4 Principles of Keeping Love Alive

I am sometimes really frustrated that the education system today does not prepare us for what it TRULY takes to make a romantic relationship work in the long-term. I wish that I had known some of these principles before I got married. Unfortunately I had to make all the mistakes before I learned all of these lessons for the future. I had to develop some compassion for myself because I really didn't have the insights I have today back when I actually needed them. I am therefore committed to keep mastering the principles of keeping love alive, not only to ensure that my clients benefit from all this wisdom but that I ensure my own future happiness in my relationship.

In your next relationship, keep some principles in mind to assist you in keeping love alive. These are tips I have put together after reading 27 books on the topic, interviewing experts and from my own personal experience in working with couples.

Keeping love alive principle #1: Let him win at loving you

This is a lesson I learned the hard way. I had to own up to the fact that I never let my ex-husband win at loving me. I spent most of the time playing hard to get, difficult, dramatic or testing him. Your man needs to feel that by simply being around you, he can make you happy and that you're at peace and fully satisfied in his company. This is why an overly critical woman can make her man feel he's failed at loving her. He'll withdraw his affection and love in return. He may even say things like, "I can't win". Ask yourself, "Have I let him feel he can always win at loving me?" This is a crucial lesson for keeping love alive. When you come home and you're feeling grumpy, ensure your man knows he is amazing and that he makes you very happy and that your moods have nothing to do with him.

Keeping love alive principle #2: Maintain the polarity of your relationship

The feminine essence is: loving, caring, spontaneous, crazy, unpredictable, free, fun, mental, dramatic, turbulent, shrieking at the sight of a mouse/spider/creature with more legs than yourself, outspoken, honest, vulnerable, raw, carefree, real, weepy, emotional, a hurricane, self-expressed, creative, chatty, babbling and making no sense, cooking, loud, noisy, peaceful, sexy, goddess-like, mysterious, a dancing nymph, wanting to be comforted, nurtured, supported and loved. The feminine essence is not: controlling, overly organized, bossy, nagging, changing light bulbs (even if she is perfectly capable of doing so), killing snakes, doing manly chores that require power tools, silent, talking about her emotions instead of feeling them, too intellectual, so damn independent that a man will sense she doesn't need him (sadly, he will be right). Focus on remembering these points whenever you feel your man slipping away from you. Step back into your feminine essence and he will come straight back to you.

Keeping love alive principle #3: Maintain separateness and move to your own rhythm

It was Sherry Argov who distinguished that "men equate longing with love". If you do everything together, there will be no opportunity for your man to experience any longing for you. So, don't jump through hoops for him. Don't suffocate him by always wanting to be where he is or checking up on him. If he texts you, don't respond immediately if you are busy with something else. Wait a little while until you have completed what you were doing before texting him back. If you get home and see there is a message from him, wait until you've settled in, made a cup of tea, had a bath or dinner, or anything else you want to do before checking the message.

NOTE: To keep sexual chemistry alive in your relationship, remain feminine in your relationship and true to your feminine essence. Allow your man to be the man in your life. Keep your own interests and activities alive. Every few nights, ensure you have a gym class, dinner, a movie or a book club with a girlfriend or something that ensures he doesn't always have your movements pinned down. You'll see when you get home afterwards that he's missed you...

Keeping love alive principle #4: When he disappears on you, focus on making yourself happy

Men disappear from time to time and as author John Gray stated in "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". They do go into their caves from time to time. It's a basic need and one that too many women don't understand. When he disappears, he's usually still physically present, but emotionally distant and distracted. At these times, breathe deeply and reassure yourself that this is a test. He is testing your reactions. Our natural instinct is to want to know why. We'll want to know if there's something wrong. No! No! No! This will drive him further into the cave.

You have to focus on making yourself happy. Organize a dinner with your girlfriends. Play tennis. Go to the gym. Have a luxurious bath and pamper session. Whistle while you're cooking dinner. Leave him be. Don't question or inquire. Smile at him and give his hand a squeeze, then walk away and go and be happy.

This will surprise him because men are used to women acting very clingy whenever they retreat into their caves. He will be concerned that your life does not revolve around him and that you seem happy without him doing anything. The hunter within him will return from his cave very fast to reclaim his woman, you'll see!

Move Out and Move On

I spoke with a client recently who felt a desperate need for change. She had been living in a small house with her partner of four years, but it just wasn't working. Not only was the relationship on the outs, but the house itself was falling apart! Paint was peeling off the walls, the plumbing barely worked, and she spent hours every day fixing things and trying to maintain a semblance of order in their lives. Her partner had seemingly become indifferent, and no matter what she suggested-counseling, taking a trip together, remodeling the house-the gulf between them seemed to widen. What started as a bubbly romance had become little more than a stoic living arrangement. "How did this happen?" She asked. "And how can I find the courage to move on?"

As I tuned into this client's psychic wavelength, answers quickly began to form. I began to see two main reasons why she could not bring herself to 'take the plunge' and enter a new phase of life.

The first reason had to do with a past relationship. I saw a man in her past who had been reluctant to commit. He finally consented to rent a house and move in together, and they lived happily for some time. But then, for no apparent reason, the man left without saying goodbye. The impact this had on my client was significant. Having registered a strong feeling of abandonment and inadequacy, her subconscious mind was working overtime to avoid the same thing happening again. Despite her current relationship not being healthy, she was determined to hold on and make it work. What's more, she was still living in the same house! My client was trying to re-live and rectify a past heartache-at the scene of the crime-rather than doing what her heart really wanted to do, which was let go and move on.

The second reason she was afraid to leave was financial security. The rent on the house was remarkably low, and she had always considered this to be a great bargain. Since money continued to be tight, she didn't want to relinquish her hold on the house and step into uncertain financial territory; even if the rest of her life suffered in the process.

I could see psychically how these two reasons fed each other: The stagnant relationship weakening the integrity of the house, which in turn made the relationship weaker. It was one of those sessions where the connection between reader and client is particularly strong, and I knew right away that the reading would be very clear. As I told my client all that I was seeing, she broke down into tears. She had in fact lived in that very same house with another man, who left one day without saying goodbye. This experience was making it difficult for her to find the courage to move on.

"But how do I overcome my fears and take the next step?" She asked.

The truth is that she had already taken an important step toward doing just that. Once she began to see the situation on a spiritual level, I could feel her already moving toward a resolution. Our inner psychic states are reflected in the outer world; that crumbling house and flat relationship were a perfect example. She was worried about how things would work out if she left, but facing our insecurity often means doing something that feels less than secure-something that tests our faith in the universe. Only when we follow our hearts, and visualise the dream we have for ourselves, do the best solutions fall into place.

A few months later, I had the pleasure of speaking to the same woman again. She had moved into a small but charming apartment for only a slightly higher rent, had gotten rid of many old possessions she didn't need, and was even dating again! Work was going well, and a modest business venture was taking shape between her and trusted friend. Her two old relationships-and the house which represented them-were truly a thing of the past. For the first time in years, she was free to change and grow. Now that's a strong heart in action!

Three Love Lessons We Should've Learned From Fairytales

As children, the cartoons and movies we watched helped shape the perceptions we had about ourselves and about each other. I identified with superheroes, princesses and the Care Bears. I believed I had superpowers, I believed that somehow even though my start in life was a bit crappy, by some stroke of luck I'd garner the attention of a distinguished fellow, who would seek me out and change my circumstances. Lastly, I believed I could beam my love & care toward someone and it would cure them of whatever anger or evil they possessed as did the Care Bears. Fairy-tale movies in particular began shaping my ideals and future interaction with the opposite sex unbeknownst to me. Fairy-tale movies had three components real life didn't; romance, adventure, and a happy ending where love always overcame the obstacles standing in its way. I'm sure I'm not alone, in focusing in on these three things as it pertained to how my future interactions and relationships would be. After all, women innately have a need and desire to be protected, provided for and chosen. Men naturally want to impress, provide for and feel needed by the woman they love and are with.

Recently as I was watching the Disney movie, The Little Mermaid, I looked a little closer at its fairy-tale story-line, and I began to remember all the other fairy-tale story-lines I've watched and loved from childhood. I realized there are real, practical love lessons in these fairy-tales that I missed altogether. Maybe, had I been able to grasp them earlier, they might have helped me navigate better in relationships and in love. Below are three very necessary love lessons I took from fairy-tale story-lines. They are lessons we still need to learn as adults. These three lessons in love are now really needed in our new world culture of instant gratification. Our picture of what it means to love is terribly distorted because selfish, manipulative love messaging is being projected. The sustainability of marriages is failing as a result.

Love Means Sacrifice
Name one fairy-tale that didn't require someone to have to make a huge sacrifice for the love they wanted? In The Little Mermaid, Ariel sacrificed her voice for legs, even though her voice was the only sure way of Prince Eric knowing she was who he was looking for. To sacrifice means you're willing to give up something for the sake of a better cause, in this example love. It means you value the love you seek to gain more than whatever it is you have to give up for it. It doesn't mean you won't ever get it back, but for a period of time, you feel what you're going after, is much more important. Every fairy-tale ever created required one or both of the lovers to give up something they valued or maybe even needed in order to be able to love the other. They acted unselfishly because they knew the love they'd receive was far more valuable and necessary. They valued love, but specifically love for each other more than anything else. They proved worthy of the love they sought, not because of their sacrifices, but because of their ability to be unselfish. As a result they were often able to have the love and be restored in the things they gave up.

Love Must Overcome Adversity
Prince Eric had to fight Lady Ursula and kill her before he and Ariel could be together and free to explore their love for each other. In every fairy-tale, the prince and princess go through much adversity before they can truly be together and live happily ever after. Their love goes through a series of trials, tests and adversity before they reap any benefits and before they actually are able to be together and explore love. We often don't value what we haven't had to work or fight for. Same thing goes for love.

Love Requires Making a Decision
Before Prince Eric fought Ursula, he decided his love for Ariel was worth it. Just as Ariel decided her love for Prince Eric was worth her giving up her voice. They both made a decision to fight and to make the necessary sacrifices for their love. They both valued the love they shared enough to decide it was worth risking everything for. They decided separately, as individuals, from the beginning. They decided they were going to go all the way to see their love materialize, before they ever got into battle. Making the decision is what gave them the strength, courage, and stick-to-itiveness to keep going in the fight, and to ultimately win the battle for their love. As a result, they get to live happily ever after, together. Their love proved to them that it was worth fighting for and powerful enough to overcome every obstacle that came up against it.

Like me, you were probably oblivious to these important lessons fairy-tale story-lines have tried to share with us over the years. We selectively only want to focus on the happy ending and think we ourselves are able to have the happy ending without the fight, without the sacrifices, and without making a decision to love. Absolutely not! If the make-believe characters didn't get a pass, we, who live in real life, most certainly don't either. Love is not selfish. Our favorite characters showed us they were willing to give up things that they loved and cherished because the love they needed, and were in search of was more important. Love requires us to fight for it. We have to prove ourselves worthy of its rewards. We have to learn to value the love we receive. The battles must be won before there are any rewards in life and in love.

After Ariel and Prince Eric overcame the battles, after they sacrificed, after they decided that the love they shared was worth it, then they were able to live out the happily ever after. Not before. There was no happily ever after until after the blood, sweat and tears that proved them worthy of the love they desired. They went into battle willingly and were serious about fighting to the death for the love they believed in. They made the decision to love wholeheartedly from the beginning. They felt their love was worth it and the sacrifices and the battles did not make them give up on their love, nor make them look for a potentially easier someone to love. They stuck by their decisions and because they stuck it out, were able to enjoy a lasting, happy and fulfilling love with the person they sacrificed, fought and decided on.

Many seasoned couples in love will tell you after they have outlasted the difficulties, the fighting, the adversity that every couple faces, they are happier, more fulfilled, and value and love each other more deeply. The hard work pays off. Did you catch that? Hard work, yes it's synonymous with love. There is no such thing as instant gratification when you seek to build love with someone. Lasting love can only be measured over time. Dust off your favorite childhood fairy-tale and see for yourself the lessons we should've learned from them then, but must learn now if we seek to win in love and be able to sustain that love. Just like there are forces that work to bring two people together in love, there are also forces at work to tear love apart. Love is that powerful. So, don't believe the people, that tell you, you can't have the fairy-tale ending you dream of, sure you can! You now know it comes at a high price. It's up to you to decide if it's worth it!